this open "letter" has been a few days in the making. I have written out what I want to say many times in my head. I doubt everything I want to say will come out here though. This is also a reason for my non-posting, trying to word what I wanted to say.
I know quite a few people read this journal. Friends, family, stalkers, what not. I have had some people reading my writing for going on 4 years now. Some only for a few days. I've had some of you by my side through relationships, major breakups, finding and marrying Keith, pregnancy, Eli being born, going through this whole Army adaptation, and now 7 months into his deployment. You've seen me in Utah, Florida, Nebraska, Utah again, Florida again and now Texas. Some people have stood by my side through everything. Others have turned their backs. Some faced me, but had their back faced to me all along. This lj kept me alive a few years back. That and my writing.
Truth be told, Im feeling the best I ever have in a very long time. I have done a lot of soul searching and discovering. This time alone has done me well. It's made me grow up more than I thought I could before. I don't want to ever be on my own like this again, but I am no longer afraid of it. I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. In this learning and growing I have developed a love/hate relationship with this livejournal. My posts are sparadic anymore. I mostly use this for updating my family about my life. There is no substance any more. I have moved my writing. If you want to know where, leave me a comment.
I feel like I am hiding. Hiding from myself. Im blocking out my true feelings out of fear. Fear of what, I am not sure. Fear of hurting people, hurting myself, letting myself be out there where I am too exposed. I have let my true self out to people on this lj over the years. This has given me many amazing friendships, but at the same time has devestated my life to the point where I have changed in ways I cannot ever fix. No one holds this over me. No one could ever hold that much power over me. It's more in the way that I have become skeptical of everyone I come across.
I have been listening to a lot of Vast. I heard a quote last week from his song "Candle". It's completely touched me and I can't get the words out of my head. "Before you let the world mess up your soul, try to be the girl that you once were".
Growing up changed me. I have neglected a big part of me that used to be my only passion: music. I have decided to once again start writing. I have a few ideas for lyrics right now. I think I will feel free if I just create again. I'm going to look into purchasing or getting a copy of Cakewalk. I want to get a keyboard. I want to buy a guitar. Just because I am a wife and mother doesnt mean I need to give up the things that once made me, me. I need to find that part of me that once exsisted and hope that the talent isn't gone. I'm not even writing to ever hope to do anything with it. Im just going to use it as a release. An escape.
And as I type this, "Forever Young" comes up on my LaunchCast. Sometimes I wonder where the past 4 years of my life have gone. I feel like only a few people only know the real me. Maybe this is the way life is. Maybe we're all destined to be alone.
That rant being said, I am keeping this lj, but it's going to remain bland. It's going to be mostly about my child. If you aren't interested, don't read. I've never been too worried about my "friends-of" list. I have my own outlets. If you are curious, ask me.
Thanks everyone for reading me for so long. it's good to know what people are still interested in what I have to do and say. I can honestly say thank you to everyone reading this, you have influenced me for the good or bad. I think everyone I know of has had some effect on me.
Live your life. No one can do it for you. Not a website, not your friends, not your kids, not your spouse. you can surround yourself with what you wish you were, but unless you're happy in it, you will never feel complete.
"Not one day goes by that I don't realize
I know that no one will ever know
Where the flowers go when they are gone
Not one day goes by that I don't know that
I just want to say that you all are too."