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ponytail girl

June 2010

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ponytail girl

all right, girls. everyone army-wife-related listen up. I got an email last night from Keith. It seemed really unlike him and it really bothered me. I asked him about it, and he said they have been telling all of the guys at AIT that their marriages "are doomed" and that they will all be divorcing. Keith has now been feeling like he is A) failing as a father B) failing as a husband and C) I want to divorce him. I have this sick feeling that they are promoting the guys to get divorced in the slight chance something (Knock on wood) happens while overseas. I don't know... Im just worried. Here is his email:
My beloved Tina,

These past four months have i can say been the most trying of our relationship yet. I hate to think of the times that we have still ahead. You know, the woorld is filled with imperfect people. I being one of the less perfect of course. All i know is what i feel to be right in my heart; you and i feels right to me. Our family, elijah, feels right. My service to my country, feels right, unless i am in the front leaning rest position. All these things i hold true and dear in my heart. You above them all. Lately, i can say that things have been rather rough and ragged for our marriage. At least this is how i precieve things. We have been in several arguements about the one thing that we should not argue about, money. You know i read a statistic somewhere that the leading cause of marriages ending within the first three years is because of money arguements. When we took our vows to each other, we both vowed that we would stick by each other for richer or for poorer. Well, right now just happens to be a low spot in our finances, and we both know that we are only holding out till the 15th. That would be the beauty of the military pay system, you get paid in just enough time to not go completely broke. But money is not something that you and i should be at an arguement about. I know that i have been rather bad with the whole money thing, but i am trying to be better about it. You see, where as you have no time, you are constanly busy, i sometimes have a lot of down time. This makes things very hard for me to cope at times, laying around on my bunk for hours on end just in my books when i have so much free time and all i have done all day is study. But that is not really the point that i am trying to make. I know that things are going to be rough our first year together. Hell, i don't even have the slightest clue as to what my first year in the regular army is going to have in store for me. I hope that it is not a whole lot to exciting. We just have to stick together and hold out. I promise that one day, things will be normal and you and i will have a normal army life.

Another sore spot for me has been that i can't see you. And the fact that the U.S. is in fact at war and are about to wage war on another country, makes army life very hard. I am part of that edge that makes up the broad sword of the world. Hell, i am being told that because i am a soldier, especially a combat medic, that the chances of our marriage lasting are slim to none. They don't know you and i. We have always beat the odds. Here we are now. we did it again just by being together now. i just miss you so much.

I love you baby,

always and forever yours,

keith

Comments

damn the army. I know what you're going through, at least for the most part. Sean has recently been informed that 70 guys from his unit will be deployed, shortly after the last group gets back. One of the guys in the group that's been gone is Sean's step-brother, who got married just before he left. Sean's not sure when he'll find out if he's getting deployed or not, but he said that if he does, they'll send him home first, which I think sounds worse than him just going. Last night on the phone, he told me he wants to marry me someday. That was the first that he ever really said that. It meant so much.

I don't know if I'm helping any. I'm just rambling I think.

Re:

you know, this whole situation sucks. I know when I married Keith, the whole situation came along with the territory. It's not like I was unaware of the situation at hand when I said "I do". But now, it's right in my face and I have to come to grips with it. It is so much harder now that it is a big possibility.

Sweetie, if you love him, marry him. You never know when he could be sent overseas and you never see each other again. keith being gone for these past 6months has made me realize so much. I've grown up and faced my worst fears. Go, be with him!! I know maybe you don't think you're ready for it, but if you think there is a chance, jump for it.

Don't feel bad about rambling. Just knowing that someone understands means the world to me.

And yes, Im crying. *hugs*

Re:

I've had a few people say, "How can you be with someone that's in the military?" and all I can say is, when I met him, he wasn't in the army. I fell in love with him before he even thought about it. I've had people tell me I should break up with him because he can't be here for me.

I want to marry him. But he thinks that before we get married, I need to go to school, and get a good job and whatnot. I was considering heading down to NC to live as soon as I could, but now I don't know what to do. I don't want him to be deployed. I can live with how things are right now, but if he gets deployed, I know it will be 30 thousand times harder. We don't want to get married just yet, but we know we do want to. And... I don't know.

Re:

well, at least in the unlikely chance that he does get deployed, and you're married and something happens, you'll be taken care of. Morbid I know, but worth considering. Plus, his pay will go up for dependants. You can ALWAYS go to school and get a job anywhere. Put yourself to it and you can accomplish anything.

Love is love, regardless of someone's occupation. I hate Keith having to be away from me, but you know, it's worth it. Elijah and I are well taken care of. We're going to see the world. A year ago, Keith had massive drug problems and was an alcoholic. He was bouncing job to job and basically living in a crack house. Now he's cleaned up his act. If nothing more, they've changed him for the better. And I can't complain too much.

And now, Im rambling. You just have to find the good in it. If you love someone enough, nothing stands in the way.

Re:

I know about most of the benefits of being married, my mom tells me about them all the time. The thing is, he's not ready. He doesn't want to get married right now. I can't force him into it... he wants it to be special, even if he doesn't say that, I know he does.

he keeps asking if I think we can do it, stay together even if he gets deployed. I think we can.

Re:

Makes sense. Keith and I just got JOP. Better to have something worth remembering if that is important to you. :) Im such a believer in love... lol

Re:

Sean's step brother got married by the JOP before he was deployed, and I think they're supposed to have a mock ceremony to make up for that after he comes back. I'm kinda hoping that if they do, they'll do it when Sean can be there too.
Keep in mind we are headed for possible war. They are preparing them for such. It is quite routine I assure you... though it is frustrating. I wouldn't worry too much about it. You two are strong and can make it through. War sucks but sometimes it is necessary and he is one of america's best... be proud of that (I know you are).
It's routine to tell men that their wives are going to leave them if they get sent to war? Well, if stats prove it's true then there are alot of women out there that aren't worth being married to in the first place.

Re:

That's not what I said.
I heard things like that alot...but mostly during BCT and NOT ait...

The advice everyone gave me- Prove the army wrong in your words and actions...

Michael's drill seargent told him we wouldn't last the first week of basic- and we have made it through all his training, his first assignment and a broken neck- I'd like to get that guys address and write him a letter....
Try and not let it get to either of you. Its all about the stress factor. They want to see just how stressed out these boys can get and still do their job. Security Forces (what my hubby does) has one of the highest divorce ratings in the air force. We never have our hubbies around, even when they are still here. Its rough, but I know that our love will guide us through. Just be there for him, and keep re-assuring him that your not going anywhere unless its with him. ;)

From what my uncle says....

(my uncle is a col in the army, he used to help run part of the air field <the army's part? at fort campbell, right now he is doing stuffy at wright state) Anyway, my uncle says that part of it is because after sept 11th, alot of people really jumped into marriage and having babies. So where as usually after a big huge terrible thing like that happens, USUALLY the divorce rates in this country go down. Well they stayed and have stayed about 49-51% depending on what months. They seem to think it has to do with the economy and once again the fact that so many jumped into marriage and pushed weddings up after sept 11th. Now, if my aunt had not gotten worse with sickle cell they would probably to this day still be married, but she got to the point where she just was too sick to handle the travel and so they had to set up seperate households in different states so that she could be more stable somewhere. But if she hadnt had both hips replaced by 40 and lordy knows what all else, it wouldnt have happened. Umcle carl says that still the rate of divorce for new requites might still be high but i dont think you and your husband fit the profile that follows under that quickie divorce thing. (it seems to him to be because so many jump up weddings before people are sent overseas) You all seemed to be really connected and close BEFORE he joined the military and you seem to have a very good head on your shoulders and knew what kind of life you were getting yourself into (meaning him being sent away for periods of time and all that) My uncle says that the women and men that know what kind of life to expect and that didnt just jump into getting married arent really the ones that they are talking about. It is mostly the people that were as he put it, dating for 2 weeks and decided to get married before he or she shipped out. Also, he says it is a way to prepare everyone for the fact that not everyone is going to come home and not everyone is going to come home the way they left. It is kinda a mental thing. Anyway, dont know if that helped, but if was the same talk i got when my bf and i had a child. He has to travel alot for work, so he is overseas sometimes for months at a time, so my uncle and i talked about it because people in the military go through the same kinds of things. You all had a strong base BEFORE he went away. That will make the difference. Hope something from that makes you feel better.

......

Well I am not army-related other than my uncle was army.... but i AM married to a military man (you know that). So i read your post anyway. And really, I think that it is routine for them to tell the guys that. He is in school still right? The whole time Jason was in school they told him time after time that if he got married so early into his military career it was doomed to fail, and that if he deployed i would cheat on him. I think they build up that mentality in our guys, and iknow this sounds AWFUL to say, but i think they are almost encouraging the unmarried ones NOT to marry now, so if something happens they won't have to pay out all of that life insurance. As for you two though, I know you knew it came with the territory of marrying himhun, i really do. BUT I don't think ANY of us REALLY have a clue what we are going to go through until it slaps us in the face, and it sucks. it DOES. i am going through the nerves and the worrying just like you, just like a LOT of people. I KNOW that you and Keith have something much stronger than anything I could ever hope for with Jason. YOU do, cherish it, hang in there, never let go. You two will be all right. And in the mean time i am always here to talk to when needed, and i know there are a lot of others here for you too.
~LAURIE~